I have been holding on to something for quite a while now & just feel like it's time to share. I don't dive into everything that happens in my life on my blog, I am not sure why, I just don't. I am not sure if anyone would care, or find it interesting, who knows. But the older I get & the more I write, the more I write I feel like sharing, who knows where the change has come? We all evolve as we age so maybe this is just the next step. I am always up for the challenge as I believe things direct you to different places & paths for a reason. Around December last year when I was neck deep in Christmas orders, swimming in santa stockings, santa sacks, cushions & prints. It's a wonderful time of year I wouldn't give up for anything, it was also a time when my life stopped in it tracks. I mean, literally stopped. My Dad had been complaining about the most horrendous neck pain, something he has suffered with all of his life. As per usual my mum got him in to see the osteopath, but there was no relief. It was getting worse so a doctor gave him some muscle relaxants & popped him on some pain killers. No result. Next a trip to the hospital up where they live in Kilmore for a scan to see what the heck was going on. To be honest I wasn't thinking anything of it as I was so consumed with how busy I was. I called in to check with mum to see how he was & she gave me news I will never forget. There was a a dark lesion on the scan in the brain area & they had to take him immediately to the Austin hospital, for more high tech scans. I was terrified, but also optimistic as I assumed it was a cyst, I just wanted the pain in his neck to vanish, my poor Dad needed some relief. After a few scans we got the results that shook my world. Brain tumour. I still find it hard to say, I struggle saying Cancer. I still can not believe it. Everything in my life stopped. When I am in these positions I tend to get into fight flight moment & can be awfully strong, too strong, I don't cry or break down easily, I just get realistic about what the issue is & focus on the next steps to fixing the problem. Please don't think I wasn't upset, I was beside myself & I sobbed for a long time, but after a big cry I got up & kept going. I tend to bottle things up & break down later, it's not the best way to deal with problems as it effects everything else in my life. I just knew I had to be strong for Dad & my Mum. They have been married more than 30 years (whoops sorry I have forgotten the exact number), so I couldn't imagine how she would be feeling. The next step was surgery. OMG brain surgery. They had to remove as much as they could of the tumour & we wouldn't know until afterwards what the results were. Dad got through the surgery relatively unscathed. All went well according to the surgeon so I was as high as a kite. When I went in to see Dad I was so scared not knowing what to expect. When I arrived he was sitting up & was as bubbly as a bottle of champers. I was shocked yet so relieved. He said his neck pain had pretty much vanished & except for being very tender on the head, he was great. Once again I was feeling sick not knowing what to think. A few days later we were all taken into a room, my Dad, Mum, Brother & I with the surgeon to get his results. It was one of the scariest moments of my life. I was nauseous, & while writing this I am remembering exactly how I felt then, a terrible queasy ill feeling. I also recall what felt like I was sweating bullets, it truly was horrendous. The surgeon arrived & it wasn't good news. A grade 3 cancer they couldn't completely remove, if they removed it all they would have had to go too deep into the brain which potentially could have caused paralysis. I just remember my mum & dads face, shocked, blank & motionless. Tears streaming down everyone's face. Me being me I was the one to finally step up & get the facts we needed. Chemo & radiation had to start in the new year, which was early Jan this year. Dad asked him had he not had the surgery what would have happened, & the doctor told us he would not have lasted the month. Shit. Then the question....How long?........I felt like this answer took forever to come out of the surgeons mouth, & he was very vague, he said it could be 18 months, 5 years longer it all depends on how well the treatment works. Holy shit, this just can't be. Treatment was very scary, & his first round was 6 weeks straight. I feel so thankful that Dad was fortunate enough to have his chemo treatment orally. Several tablets all to be taken at the same time every morning for 6 weeks & daily radiation treatments. He got through it incredibly well. He has only lost hair in the area the radiation, which is on the left side of his head. He looked like it was a super bad hair cut, thankfully Dad & I saw the funny side of it. Nothing some clippers can't fix. Today radiation is not required & he now he has his chemo treatment a couple of weeks on, then has a rest from it for a couple of weeks, then back on them again. I think the chemotherapy scared me more than anything else as I have heard some heart breaking stories about how ill it can make everyone. I just wasn't sure I was prepared for what I may see. So just over 6 months later, & harbouring the devastation it feels nice to kind of release it. Thank you blog :) I felt like I had this secret, one that couldn't be told for some reason. I guess it's devastating, hurtful & scary. Dad's result to date are great. The tumour is still there, it's shrunk a little but seems to just stay the same. His health is incredible & is living a very normal life. If you didn't know he had brain cancer you'd never pick it. He is still active & eating well. When he is on his tablets he gets awfully tired & needs to nap, & his tastebuds are a bit off, but otherwise he is great. Today we just live day by day, & we chat every couple of days & he never complains. It has effected me quite a lot in the sense as it's like a stressful worry thats deep down in my subconscious, that flares up occasionally & sometimes can make small problems feel bigger than they are. But compared to how I was feeling 5 months ago I am learning to live with it & just so god damn grateful he is feeling well & that we can still spend time together. I know thousands of people are living with this also, & also many have lost loved ones due to it. Until you're there in the situation & seeing how it effects first hand, it's very hard to cope & deal with. Staying positive for him is now what I think of everyday. Here is a photos of Dad, Mum, Hudson, Charlotte & I only weeks ago.